Monday, February 14, 2011

Question From A Follower

One of my super cool followers posed a great question; resulting in this post. Q: “…There are givers and takers, some more balanced than others. How do you deal with the takers that are family?”

Of course I’ll start with the, “It depends on the situation” answer then move to “You gotta set boundaries”.

All easier said than done but the key is to communicate how you are feeling to him/her (have examples), ask how they see the situation, and then provide a solution that sets the required boundaries - calmly.

In an ideal world family would never take advantage of each other. If a loved one is in dire need and its legit then we help them and feel good about it. If they take without warrant then they should not be receiving.

The ownership rests with the giver and that’s the crux of the problem because, in general, givers are caretakers and their self worth is wrapped up in the need to feel wanted and appreciated.

The situation is not easy because while we don’t want to hurt each others’ feelings we all deserve to be appreciated and loved.

What are your thoughts on the topic?

21 comments:

  1. I have a few family members like this and sometimes you have to take a step back from them and figure out what you need from the relationship and what you are able to give without feeling used... it is always good to have an honest conversation- but that is sometimes easier said than done =)

    BTW, you and your family are gorgeous =) Happy Vday!

    Lily

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's a tough situation for me because I am a giver but it hurts when it starts to feel one sided. In the past I have gotten caught up and given to a point that I wasn't really helping the person, I was doing everything for them. That's not a healthy situation for anyone. So, now I try to help in a way that guides them so that they hopefully learn from their experience. It's a hard thing to balance but now that I have my own family, I have to do right by them first and other loved ones second. It's a struggle though!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like Lil Story's perspective. I have a bro who by nature is kind of a moocher. He is single and might always be and doesn't make much money so he tends to free load and be really stingy. It drives me crazy. I learned to let it go a few years back but, also had to distance myself to get new perspective. I had to learn how to love him for who he is..stingy and all and learn how what works best for me in that relationship. Boundaries are a must. Being comfortable to say no and stand up for yourself lovingly is okay too. Eventually they start learning I think;0

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love the new KLV top photo. Wow...is she gorgeous!

    ReplyDelete
  5. New follower from Making Friends Monday Blog hop! Would love a follow back! : ) Have a happy Monday!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
  6. We don't put up with people that only take from us. Those are people we don't spend much time with. Of course, I don't really know anyone else that does this quite as completely as me and my husband.

    ReplyDelete
  7. What a good question. I do think there are people who fall into extremes--they are takers or they are givers. But in general, I feel that most people have times when they are takers and times when they are givers. I would never begrudge someone a difficult time in life when they need help from me. However, if it seems to be all the time, well, then I think it's time to start saying no.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog, BTW. I'm following yours now. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm with Joey, I tend to remove those people from life as it's just too short. My husband is more accepting than I am though, so we disagree on it a lot and he does a lot of visiting on his own. We tend to be around family that also has the *better than all others* idea of themselves -- I remove those people as well lol


    Thanks so much for stopping by ☺


    I'm your newest hop follower
    Have a wonderful week

    http://www.everydayexpressionz.com/

    ReplyDelete
  9. ewww a tough one...I guess there will always be people that take advantage of people, no matter what. hope I think of myself as a giver rather than taker...

    have a good night :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks for visiting me over at Mama Know Best, I'm just checking out your neck of the woods...your daughter is just gorgeous! I love the pic with her peeking out behind her Goodnight moon book, super cute. Anyway, thanks again for the follow.

    Sincerely,
    Your Newest Follower

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi! Thanks for checking out my blog :) My mother-in-law definitely falls into this category-if we let her. Hubby and I have taken a strict 'no' policy because we just can't afford to let her 'take'. We live in a totally different state, so the taking usually involves air travel ;)

    www.becomingbrea.com
    www.breagettingfit.com

    ReplyDelete
  12. Love Love Love the KLV photos! Look at you rockin' that Rebel, girl! Awesome!

    I like this whole TV Answers concept! I love your response...communication and setting boundaries. I'm all for helping family/friends in a legit, dire need situations (we are talking financially here) but when it becomes repetitive and the mail plan, instead of a fallback plan, then I have to set the boundaries. We are not a bank, although that would be nice :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I don't have any moochers in my life. And, I am not a moocher myself. Hmm. I'm lucky!

    ReplyDelete
  14. KLV is gorgeous! And I'm glad she had a fun birthday! I agree 100% about setting boundaries. It can be tough to do with a family member that seems to need a lot of help. But when it becomes clear they're not owning up to their responsibilities, it would be good for them to see honor and respect demonstrated through a kind communication of proper boundaries.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hello,
    I just stumbled upon your blog and I absolutely love it! Your daughter is gorgeous :) I am your newest follower, I hope you will follow me too ! I look forward to reading your future blog posts :)

    http://sweetenedbykagi.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  16. She is so cute.

    I am following you back from the blog hop.

    ReplyDelete
  17. This is a great question! I do not know so much about family takers. My family is a group of givers. I have known my share of takers through the years because I am a giver. I give a lot and it can be easy to see that and take advantage of someone who gives. I have learned to give to my family, loved ones and those in need rather than giving to people who do not appreciate it. I hope you are well my friend! have a great night!

    Mama Hen

    ReplyDelete
  18. Yes, this is a hot topic. My husband's family, for example, are mostly takers. They ask my husband constantly for rides, for trips to the grocery store, and of course, you guessed it--money. They probably owe us in the thousands. I've recently put my foot down, feeling unappreciated, but my husband has a hard time defining any boundaries. It's definitely a sore area for us... Thanks for this post. It's theraputic sometimes to get this stuff off your chest.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thanks for the visit today and the comment. yes, my story is true!

    Your daughter is beautiful. Don't worry about the takers, and focus on giving!

    Cheers!

    PS...great playlist of music!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I am going to be doing guest feature articles in the Nestwork. It would be great if you did one of the first. Let me know if you would like to do one my friend. Have a great night!

    Mama Hen

    ReplyDelete
  21. Funny you posted this, I was just thinking how my brother in law still owes me some money I "loaned" him over a year ago. Luckily, I was quite aware that the "loan" was really a "gift" so at least my expectations were right to begin with :)

    Hope you're having a wonderful week! We released earnings this week so my work life will start to calm down a little.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for stopping by - it's appreciated!